All this talk of pain is true
I had my occasional morning ills
the first three months
there were certain odors I cannot take
my mood was always changing
I longed for extraordinary pleasures
to fight the extraordinary discomforts
mostly food cravings and music
and I reached out for attention, affection
because all these annoying things
tormented my body
and only kindness can help me
keep the feeling from equally
tormenting my Soul
they all soon went away the fourth month
thank God!
by then the kicks started to come
the first kick wasn’t so lovely
a mix of fear and bewilderment
but the second the third
and the fourth and so on
were not so bad
in fact, I had grown to love them
it kicked after my meals
it consumed the energy
and its energy consumed me
I was told by many I ‘bloomed’
like a flower
and got prettier
I smiled more often too
I couldn’t quite explain
the new found joy
I had in me
“So this is what it’s like…”
was my main thought for a while
I have learned that there was more
beyond the “ultrasound” experience
there was more
beyond the prenatal visits and more
beyond the baby showers
and the baby shopping sprees
that made it special
it was the excitement, the anticipation
of seeing something so beautiful
emerging from my womb
and sleeping in my arms
the time I was in labor
until the time I gave birth
might be the longest of torments
it’s odd though
how I could no longer remember how bad it felt
maybe that’s what happens
when a child is born
they take the memories
of unpleasant things
and turn them into
angel dust
that fills the air with
chuckles and amazement
and sweet nothings
I could not even describe
what her first gaze
her first breath
even her first cry
had done for my Soul
this child
so pure
so innocent
so fragile
but a force
so powerful
strong enough
to mold bliss out of the ordinary
and brave enough to show me
that I have so much to offer
so much more than I thought
wise enough to teach me
that love is not weakness
that love is strength
I still remember
what I whispered to her
that day
while I held her tiny hand
and kissed her pretty forehead
“This is mommy…
listen to this voice
because every time
you hear this voice
know that you are safe
you and me…
this is my world now
I can’t be daddy but
I’m always gonna try…
know that
we both love you
and we tried…
know that God is above you
within you, inside you
God loves us all
I know that for a fact
He loves me so much
that He gave me YOU. “
Kaya, this is for you.
Love, Mommy
(February 28, 2011 ~ 4:44 am)
Very Beautiful!
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