I apologize for my false perspective of beauty, my attachment to vanity, anointing it as a bare necessity, rather than an overbearing necessity, allowing it to define rather than detail an already whole entity, constantly seeking pleasure in the finer things in life and seeing that as a means to a finer life. Letting the tangible explain the intangible, when the truth is that the finer life lies in the truth of things and the truth of things lie in the true nature of things. Beauty lies in the true nature of things.
I apologize for my constant need to feel needed, believing that this is the ultimate sign of your love and faithfulness without reflecting on your real competencies, and without acknowledging the fact that the very framework of a Warrior is one who believes that love transcends one’s need for the other, and the way you view your love for me is through your steadfast loyalty and strength amidst the wars and turmoils of the spirit.
I apologize for not honoring the space you needed, for the times I viewed that space as a break, or a rift in our union, for seeing it as your means of wandering off to a new world when in fact it is your means of bringing yourself closer to mine. I apologize for not realizing that it is your own way of becoming the man I need, that it is your way of filling the strength that is missing in your heart, so you can in turn have enough love to fill mine and enough strength to cradle both of us, in the safety of our hearts. I apologize for not realizing that I too, need this space to grow. We both need it. I would never have learned that attachment is the hand that grabs the candle and burns itself when it is not happy with the warmth and light that it brings in close distance. I have learned that it is only when we take a step back that we see the bigger picture, appreciating what we have, so we can fill the gaps, put out fires, set priorities, and fully discover our opportunities and deal with them effectively once we step back into the circle.
I apologize for putting my trust in the man I expected you to be, and not in the man who I chose to be with, the man who you are — calling upon my own frustrations. I apologize for the times I did not set my mind on your true intentions, for my affinity with the past, and condemnation of the minority of Warriors who failed in love, trusting that history repeats itself but not fully accepting the fact that history only repeats itself for those who allow it to, for those who have not learned. I apologize for seeing you as part of this minority. I apologize for allowing spilled milk to flood my thoughts, letting this stale substance grow inside me, like a parasite that clings and paralyzes… immobilizing me… poisoning my soul. I apologize for the times I allowed myself to be swept away from the truth. Creating unnecessary doubts if only to prove the illusions my ego was coerced to draw up while living in the darkness of my mind, and putting the burden of proof on you.
I apologize for expecting you to read my mind without giving you a chance to demystify my silence. I apologize for harboring my sorrows, for suffering in silence and accepting that a woman’s fate lies in this solitary prison. I apologize for bringing the string of pain on to myself and believing it was my role when my true role is to communicate, to break down the walls between ignorance and acceptance. A lot of us are afraid of confronting the truth for fear of being shattered when we’re already living shattered lives by living with a lie. A lot of us are waiting for that life-shattering moment to be awakened when we’re already half-awake and almost there. I apologize for not seeing this before I locked myself in the dark chamber of self-pity and fear, and for not allowing myself to shine with the light of my love at the time I need it most.
I apologize for my intermittent episodes of learned helplessness, consciously transforming myself into a damsel in distress even when I am back in shore, in safer ground. Even when a period of positive change arises, and a door of opportunity is upon me. I apologize for not opening it and stepping out into the warmth and light, and for not breathing again, shutting this door to remain locked up in my misery. Attracting more misery as I breathe more of it within the walls of fear. I apologize for choosing the role of victim, when I had all the tools needed to be the hero of certain situations.
I apologize for my harsh and consistent reminders of your accountabilities. I apologize for looking at the things you have not done for me more often and intensely than the things you have, even if what you have done for me exceeds the things you haven’t. My distorted perspective and skewed attention to detail caused me to pay close attention to the problem, not the solution. I apologize for not recognizing the fact that I am part of the solution. I expected you to save me from rough seas, when I had the means to carry myself through and to bring me back to shore. I apologize for revering your strength so much that I didn’t see mine.
I am grateful for your patient and steadfast spirit, for believing in me when I stopped believing in me. I am grateful for the many times you stood by my side even when my soul attempted to walk away, for holding me when I trembled from the fears I brought upon myself. I am grateful for the darkness of your absence and the darkness in my mind, for it is in these events that I learned to illuminate my being.
I am grateful for the times you chose to be distant if only to prevent yourself from falling into my spiral of gloom. I am grateful that you had faith in my strength, for deciding not to carry me on that day I had found the strength to pull myself up from the ground where I pondered.
I am grateful, that this experience taught me a wonderful lesson —That love is a sacrifice , but should never be deemed as a sacrifice alone. It is more than that. Much more than that. I have learned that in every act of I manifest in this union I must say “This is a GIFT” instead of saying “This is a SACRIFICE”. Although to sacrifice means giving up something for a worthy cause, I now find it self-centered, for it connotes hurt, toil, suffering.. a self inflicted pain, an AGENDA that builds my ego. This is why so many of us suffer constantly. We feel that we have done something noble and heroic and when it is not reciprocated, we put the blame on the other, not taking accountability for our intentions, eventually, defeating the purpose of this soul union. Love and the sharing of love shouldn’t be perceived this way for true love is kind, humble, compassionate and it also pleasurable. It should be uplifting and liberating… positive in ever way.
Love is sweet and never done in vain, There is no gain from an obsession with pain.
I am grateful that you understand the path of my spirit. For recognizing that my search for you was the search for me, and in the many times we shared the light of our love we unconsciously took part in the rise of mutual awareness and self discovery. The ultimate spark of God.
I long to see the day when our love becomes our only source of strength, not of fear — that being the fear of loss, the illusion of separation caused by worthlessness or the lack of self-love. I long to see the day when we honor our destinies to become ONE FLAME, ONE LOVE and ONE LIGHT…the light of TRUTH that takes us to our soul flight… fully surrendering to the love that liberates us.
I want you to know that I take comfort in your words. I want you to know that there is no shame in opening your heart and telling me your flaws, for there is no stronger man in my eyes than one who has the courage to reveal his own weakness.
I want you to know that I am never giving up on you because to give up on you is to give up on myself, now that I see myself in you.
I forgive you for the times you tormented me — through your violence, your perpetual absence, your attachment to individualism, for your egoic abuses.
But more than all this, I forgive myself for allowing this torment to once defeat me.
This is a response to Jeff Brown’s “Apologies to the Divine Feminine” that I first published on April 1, 2011
You may view Jeff's apologies on www.soulshaping.com (or on YouTube ~ Part 1 http://bit.ly/eTRbjI)
Thank you Jeff Brown for your courageous attempt to bridge the gender gap and uncover all its mysteries, all done to raise universal consciousness in support of our highest ideals— FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE. I dedicate this to all Warriors in transition and beyond , and to every heart in which The Divine Feminine lives.
Photo credit: Michael Vincent Manalo
© Juno Cristi 2011, All Rights Reserved
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